Past confusion, past questions,
And far, far past
Any feeling of awkwardness.
Now, walking,
Step by step
Into the land of
"Don't look,
Don't question;
Don't prod,
Don't poke."
Unkwoning, or maybe,
Refusing knowledge of,
Can't understand, or maybe,
Don't want to understand
Where I stand,
Where I blurred those lines,
Whether i made a mistake
And if, whether, this is wrong
Or just twistedly right.
....................................................................................................................................................................
When did the matter
Of mattering
Become so important
A matter?
Need I, must I,
Belong to someone?
Can I not be
Just my own?
Soured grapes and frustration,
Anger and irritation;
I plead guilty
to all the above.
Tried, screwed up, failed,
And didn't lear a thing.
Waiting now
For that final failure
After which I can rest,
Wash my hands
And fade out,
Becoming one
Of the untold throng
Of those who failed
In the dance of hearts.
....................................................................................................................................................................
Standing in a circle of light,
Safe, sound and secure.
The light extends a little behind me,
Some to port
And some, starboard.
Then the light bleeds
Into the gray
Of confusion
And blurred outlines.
Ahead of me
The gray stretches further on
Then it also blends into and merges
Into the blackness
Of the unknown.
The blackness threatens
To overtake, overcome,
Engulf me.
I see shapes in it;
Some are still,
Others stalk forward
while a few
Creep further back....
Ironic, and a bit prophetic now, in hindsight...
....................................................................................................................................................................
Past hope, there is despair.
Past despair, the land of apathy.
And now I fight
To free myself
And return
Back to Hope's call.
I have to continue,
I must continue;
With hope, or without it,
In my mind, or out of it.
It is time now, yet again,
To stand up,
To let go the fear,
To fight for something.
The time passed me by once,
But 'tis here again.
Now, it is the time for reclaiming,
Now is the for action,
For gritted teeth
And determination.
....................................................................................................................................................................
This was supposed to be
The year f dreams,
The year of the rising sun.
Then why these nightmares,
Why this eclipse?
From whence come these hurdles
To test, frustrate,
Irritate and aggravate me?
How much longer
Before I fall
For the ultimate time?
How much further
Can I go
Before I break?
Am I not already past hope,
Past all hope,
Of rising again;
Past hope,
Of returning to,
Of reclaiming,
The old life,
The uneventful, average
Life that I had?
....................................................................................................................................................................
I'm dreaming dreams
I never dreamt I'd dream.
I'm dreaming dreams
I doubt I have a right to.
I'm dreaming dreams of a future
So bright, so glorious,
So outrageously unbelievable.
Yet it is what gives me hope.
The impossible dreams are
What keep my eyes looking up above,
and keep my heart light.
....................................................................................................................................................................
Knives in my throat
Fear in my heart
And red rage in my eyes.
Mind unstable, chaotic,
Hands and heart a fluttering.
where do I go?
Where is sanctuary,
Where is safety?
....................................................................................................................................................................
Death, death
Death to us all.
Misery and pain,
Anger and hatred,
Love and longing,
Frustration.
Fearing the unknown,
Hating the known.
No solutions, no answers,
No hope, no despair.
Just determination,
Just the drive
To keep walking,
Stumbling, crawling,
On bent arms and knees,
Forward, forward;
Only forward.
Stopping and gasping
For breath, for relief,
For life.
Cursing each step, every inch;
And yet, loving and treasuring
Random, fleeting moments.
....................................................................................................................................................................
Hell now has a board outside
Proclaiming in big letters.
"Welcome back".
A dark figure of shadows,
Wearing my face,
And speaking in a chorus of voices,
Of his, his, hers and mine,
Stands at the door,
Arms outstretched, smiling wide,
To greet me.
The steps leading to the door,
Each is engraved,
In a jagged, eye-paining script,
With a good intentions:
"I didn't want to hurt you"
"I loved you..."
"I thought it'd help"
"I just wanted you to be happy".
The carpet laid out in my welcome,
Is blood-red, dotted with dark spots,
Possibly spilled blood or bile.
The music begins now,
As I enter:
"I'm not afraid,
I'm manning up,
I'm gonna face my demons
I'm so tired of being here
I held your hand
Through all of these years"
(Typed up to
My Immortal(band version) playing on the ipod)
