The New Game

Tis a game now

Of bury, bury, bury it all.

How deep can you dig,

How fast can you dig;

How many can you bury,

How well can you bury them,

Who all can, will, you bury;

How fast can you shovel,

How well can you shovel the dirt,

So no trace remains.

This is the new game now,

A game of life lived

With no hope, no expectation...

Words Not Spoken Yet...

Past confusion, past questions,
And far, far past
Any feeling of awkwardness.
Now, walking,
Step by step
Into the land of
"Don't look,
Don't question;
Don't prod,
Don't poke."
Unkwoning, or maybe,
Refusing knowledge of,
Can't understand, or maybe,
Don't want to understand
Where I stand,
Where I blurred those lines,
Whether i made a mistake
And if, whether, this is wrong
Or just twistedly right.

....................................................................................................................................................................

When did the matter
Of mattering
Become so important
A matter?
Need I, must I,
Belong to someone?
Can I not be
Just my own?
Soured grapes and frustration,
Anger and irritation;
I plead guilty
to all the above.
Tried, screwed up, failed,
And didn't lear a thing.
Waiting now
For that final failure
After which I can rest,
Wash my hands
And fade out,
Becoming one
Of the untold throng
Of those who failed
In the dance of hearts.

....................................................................................................................................................................

Standing in a circle of light,
Safe, sound and secure.
The light extends a little behind me,
Some to port
And some, starboard.
Then the light bleeds
Into the gray
Of confusion
And blurred outlines.
Ahead of me
The gray stretches further on
Then it also blends into and merges
Into the blackness
Of the unknown.
The blackness threatens
To overtake, overcome,
Engulf me.
I see shapes in it;
Some are still,
Others stalk forward
while a few
Creep further back....

Ironic, and a bit prophetic now, in hindsight...
....................................................................................................................................................................

Past hope, there is despair.
Past despair, the land of apathy.
And now I fight
To free myself
And return
Back to Hope's call.
I have to continue,
I must continue;
With hope, or without it,
In my mind, or out of it.
It is time now, yet again,
To stand up,
To let go the fear,
To fight for something.
The time passed me by once,
But 'tis here again.
Now, it is the time for reclaiming,
Now is the for action,
For gritted teeth
And determination.

....................................................................................................................................................................

This was supposed to be
The year f dreams,
The year of the rising sun.
Then why these nightmares,
Why this eclipse?
From whence come these hurdles
To test, frustrate,
Irritate and aggravate me?
How much longer
Before I fall
For the ultimate time?
How much further
Can I go
Before I break?
Am I not already past hope,
Past all hope,
Of rising again;
Past hope,
Of returning to,
Of reclaiming,
The old life,
The uneventful, average
Life that I had?

....................................................................................................................................................................

I'm dreaming  dreams
I never dreamt I'd dream.
I'm dreaming dreams
I doubt I have a right to.
I'm dreaming dreams of a future
So bright, so glorious,
So outrageously unbelievable.
Yet it is what gives me hope.
The impossible dreams are
What keep my eyes looking up above,
and keep my heart light.

....................................................................................................................................................................

Knives in my throat
Fear in my heart
And red rage in my eyes.
Mind unstable, chaotic,
Hands and heart a fluttering.
where do I go?
Where is sanctuary,
Where is safety?

....................................................................................................................................................................


Death, death
Death to us all.
Misery and pain,
Anger and hatred,
Love and longing,
Frustration.
Fearing the unknown,
Hating the known.
No solutions, no answers,
No hope, no despair.
Just determination,
Just the drive
To keep walking,
Stumbling, crawling,
On bent arms and knees,
Forward, forward;
Only forward.
Stopping and gasping
For breath, for relief,
For life.
Cursing each step, every inch;
And yet, loving and treasuring
Random, fleeting moments.

....................................................................................................................................................................

Hell now has a board outside
Proclaiming in big letters.
"Welcome back".
A dark figure of shadows,
Wearing my face,
And speaking in a chorus of voices,
Of his, his, hers and mine,
Stands at the door,
Arms outstretched, smiling wide,
To greet me.
The steps leading to the door,
Each is engraved,
In a jagged, eye-paining script,
With a good intentions:
"I didn't want to hurt you"
"I loved you..."
"I thought it'd help"
"I just wanted you to be happy".
The carpet laid out in my welcome,
Is blood-red, dotted with dark spots,
Possibly spilled blood or bile.
The music begins now,
As I enter:
"I'm not afraid,
I'm manning up,
I'm gonna face my demons
I'm so tired of being here
I held your hand
Through all of these years"

(Typed up to My Immortal(band version) playing on the ipod)

Random Words for a New Year

This is the year of dreams,
Aspirations, hopes;
This is the year
I try to walk
On the path to the dreams.
If I may, if I can,
I'll turn my back
To romance and comfort
And try to shrug off
The pinpricks
Of Cupid's arrows.
I'd rather dream of work,
Of independence and
Of slapping my wings
And trying to fly
Out, out, out of my nest,
Break out of my bubble.
.........................................................................................................................

I forgo my dreams
Of love and mush;
I trade them in,
For newer dreams,
Dreams of comfort and peace,
Satisfaction and competence.
I dream dreams
That seem more attainable
Than the ones
That Ive dreamed till now.

Songs about ***********

The following are the poems I wrote down for her. She's read a couple of them. Some are rewrites and one is a combination of 2 separate poems. They are almost in the order of how things proceeded.

“Will you wait for me,”

He said,

“Till the sun goes down

And rises again”

“Will you wait for me,”

He asked,

Hesitantly,

Tentatively,

“Till I gather up the courage

To ask of you that question

That I needs must?

Or if you have guessed,

Or already know,

What I will ask,

Will you favor me

With an answer now?”

“I’ll wait for you, my one,

Till the moon appears

And hides again.

Gladly will I wait for you

Through the darkest hour

And brightest morn;

E’en, if need be,

For forever and a day.”

Is what he thought

He heard her say.

But when he did look u,

Then did he realize

That he himself

Had spoken not a word.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

She sees him standing there,

Shuffling his feet,

Fidgety, nervous,

Hesitant to speak.

She has a premonition

Of what he will say.

He opens his mouth,

And she inhales sharply;

Anticipating, waiting,

For him to speak.

He closes his mouth,

Abruptly,

With no words spoken;

He opens it again,

To close once more.

She waits for him still,

To let his words find voice.

“I… Um… Ah... I seem…

I seem, my lady, to be,

At a loss for words,”

He finally stammers out.

“It seems my tongue

Is now no longer

My own to command.

It refuses to move,

And thus release,

The words that are buzzing

In my heart and head.”

She smiles knowingly;

A pretty smile,

With just a dash

Of mischief.

“how may I answer thee, my knight,

If the question itself

Does lie unspoken?

Wrest control of your tongue

From whatever it is

That does still it.

Release your question,

Set it free;

Voice it out loud,

And fear you not

For mine answer.”

She smiles again,

And whispers, sing-song,

“for’ tis a fearful tricky game,

My incipient knight,

That you have chosen to play.

The dance is wild,

Bewildering and confusing,

And often does appear to be

Devoid of meaning.

Yet there is no escape;

This dance,

The dance of hearts,

Must be danced.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

She moves, and waits

For him to make a move.

He moves,

Slowly, creaking of rust.

They meet midway,

And begin to dance

In and out

Of each other’s paths.

Meaningful words are few

And far, far, between.

Implications and hints,

Nudges and winks abound;

They have replaced words.

He opens his mouth

And she inhales sharply.

She wonders if it is time,

If he’s gathered up  wit and courage

To finally speak up.

He opens and closes his mouth,

Like a fish in air.

He stammers,

Exasperating her

And frustrating himself.

Intentions exist,

And so do the words,

But they reach no further

Than the pit of his throat.

He finally mumbles

“I… I seem, my lady,

To be at a loss for words.

It seems my tongue

Is not my own.

It refuses to move,

And thus is preventing me

From liberating these words

That are buzzing

In my heart and mind”

She smiles at him,

“how may I answer, my knight,

To an unspoken question?

Wrest you control over your voice

And be you a man, a knight.

Speak up, loud and clear,

Set free your words,

Questions and emotions,

And be not afraid

Of answers or consequences.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Her face is going cryptic

And I can no longer understand

What her eyes say.

Her mouth moves,

And there are words,

But I’m no longer sure

If what I seem to hear

Is what is being said.

I fear

That there is a mask

Somewhere in between

My eyes and her face.

I thought I knew

Where this unfamiliar road would lead.

Now I’m back

To my default, familiar state

Of confusion.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Her face o longer speaks to him,

Her eyes hold him no more.

He washes his hands

And puts them up.

But he hasn’t given up yet.

He walks away,

Frustrated,

That all his attempts

Seem to make no difference.

He walks away,

Puzzled,

That his advances

Are neither warmly welcomed

Nor coldly rejected.

He walks off,

But not too far away.

He wonders,

Will she bother

To come look for him,

Or will he be forgotten,

Buried in memories,

Without a trace.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Who are you

And where did you come from?

How do you have

So strong a holdover my mind, my heart?

You couldn’t have,

Shouldn’t have, mattered;

Yet, you do…

Why do you matter?!

Why can’t I bury

You and your memories

Deep in my mind, along with everyone else?

Why can’t I lay you to rest,

With the rest

Of my mistakes and regrets?

I had decided

Never to walk this path,

Or atleast,

Not anytime soon.

And yet,

Now I find myself further down this road

Than I’ve ever been before,

All by myself,

Unaided and alone.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

She’s oblivious,

Eyes closed,

To my irritation.

She’s ignorant of

Her unspoken, implied promise.

She’s unaware

Of the vague, nebulous hopes

She inspired deep within me,

In the darkest dungeons

Of my heart’s fortress.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Standing on the line

Between bitterness and hate

And wondering how to return

To the earlier world

Where neither existed,

Nor the separating line.

Wondering now,

How do I return

To my earlier state,

Where she was known

And yet, still unknown.

I want my indifference back:

The thick, cold shield

That was around my heart.

I need to exorcise

All the specters of hope;

I need to remove from my mind

All he implied promises.

I lost my trust and my shield;

Tried losing my heart

But it never went away.

Found anger, found pain,

Found a bitterness I never knew.

Is this, I ask you,

Is this love?

Dam-Break

Dam-Break

I wish I could

Dissolve all my walls,

Break all my shields

And down the shields

Inside my head.

Just once, let loose

Everything up there;

No more secrets,

No more deception,

No more cloaking,

No more lies and half truths.

Just once, I wish,

I could open the dam

And let it all loose,

To cleanse my heart and mind.

But I cannot…

Honor and care

Will not let me;

They see anger and pain,

Fear, suspicion and worry

Pity and sympathy.

They fear that

Most won’t care enough

And some will care too much.

They are afraid

That the future

Will be changed unalterably

And the past will e tarnished,

Tinged with questions,

Made imperfect.

What The Voice Whispers

What The Voice Whispers



Always a question...
A "what if" before
And a "what if " now...
Thoughts not completely my own
Yet thoughts
That seem to make sense,
That some of us do agree with,
While others
Vehemently disagree.
The voice bears no malice
Only the wish to understand
Why we did what we did.
It asks questions 
We have no answer to,
Questions
We dont want to face,
We dont want to answer
Or even speculate...
"What if you had?"
"What if you did?"
"Would it have been beter?"
"Could it have been better?"
It shows us pictures,
Recounts conversations
And emotions from the past...
Hindsight is always clearer,
Present-sight is too clouded
And foresight
Is wrong too often...

A Prophet’s Prayer

A Prophet’s Prayer

Flee from me, o Lord,
Come no nearer
I am unclean, unclean.
Leave me behind,
For I have no worth, no use.
But let not my will be done,
Only Your will be done.
I am unworthy,
But if You do insist, my God,
Then burn me.
Set me afire with Thy flame,
And burn me down,
So that I may rise like a phoenix,
Leaving my old self in ashes.
Cleansed, purified and renewed
To carry out the mission
That You have appointed me for.