Imp-Speak

The New Game

2011-07-27T10:46:00.001+05:30

Tis a game now

Of bury, bury, bury it all.

How deep can you dig,

How fast can you dig;

How many can you bury,

How well can you bury them,

Who all can, will, you bury;

How fast can you shovel,

How well can you shovel the dirt,

So no trace remains.

This is the new game now,

A game of life lived

With no hope, no expectation...

Words Not Spoken Yet...

2011-07-04T12:25:00.000+05:30

Past confusion, past questions,
And far, far past
Any feeling of awkwardness.
Now, walking,
Step by step
Into the land of
"Don't look,
Don't question;
Don't prod,
Don't poke."
Unkwoning, or maybe,
Refusing knowledge of,
Can't understand, or maybe,
Don't want to understand
Where I stand,
Where I blurred those lines,
Whether i made a mistake
And if, whether, this is wrong
Or just twistedly right.

....................................................................................................................................................................

When did the matter
Of mattering
Become so important
A matter?
Need I, must I,
Belong to someone?
Can I not be
Just my own?
Soured grapes and frustration,
Anger and irritation;
I plead guilty
to all the above.
Tried, screwed up, failed,
And didn't lear a thing.
Waiting now
For that final failure
After which I can rest,
Wash my hands
And fade out,
Becoming one
Of the untold throng
Of those who failed
In the dance of hearts.

....................................................................................................................................................................

Standing in a circle of light,
Safe, sound and secure.
The light extends a little behind me,
Some to port
And some, starboard.
Then the light bleeds
Into the gray
Of confusion
And blurred outlines.
Ahead of me
The gray stretches further on
Then it also blends into and merges
Into the blackness
Of the unknown.
The blackness threatens
To overtake, overcome,
Engulf me.
I see shapes in it;
Some are still,
Others stalk forward
while a few
Creep further back....

Ironic, and a bit prophetic now, in hindsight...
....................................................................................................................................................................

Past hope, there is despair.
Past despair, the land of apathy.
And now I fight
To free myself
And return
Back to Hope's call.
I have to continue,
I must continue;
With hope, or without it,
In my mind, or out of it.
It is time now, yet again,
To stand up,
To let go the fear,
To fight for something.
The time passed me by once,
But 'tis here again.
Now, it is the time for reclaiming,
Now is the for action,
For gritted teeth
And determination.

....................................................................................................................................................................

This was supposed to be
The year f dreams,
The year of the rising sun.
Then why these nightmares,
Why this eclipse?
From whence come these hurdles
To test, frustrate,
Irritate and aggravate me?
How much longer
Before I fall
For the ultimate time?
How much further
Can I go
Before I break?
Am I not already past hope,
Past all hope,
Of rising again;
Past hope,
Of returning to,
Of reclaiming,
The old life,
The uneventful, average
Life that I had?

....................................................................................................................................................................

I'm dreaming dreams
I never dreamt I'd dream.
I'm dreaming dreams
I doubt I have a right to.
I'm dreaming dreams of a future
So bright, so glorious,
So outrageously unbelievable.
Yet it is what gives me hope.
The impossible dreams are
What keep my eyes looking up above,
and keep my heart light.

....................................................................................................................................................................

Knives in my throat
Fear in my heart
And red rage in my eyes.
Mind unstable, chaotic,
Hands and heart a fluttering.
where do I go?
Where is sanctuary,
Where is safety?

....................................................................................................................................................................

Death, death
Death to us all.
Misery and pain,
Anger and hatred,
Love and longing,
Frustration.
Fearing the unknown,
Hating the known.
No solutions, no answers,
No hope, no despair.
Just determination,
Just the drive
To keep walking,
Stumbling, crawling,
On bent arms and knees,
Forward, forward;
Only forward.
Stopping and gasping
For breath, for relief,
For life.
Cursing each step, every inch;
And yet, loving and treasuring
Random, fleeting moments.

....................................................................................................................................................................

Hell now has a board outside
Proclaiming in big letters.
"Welcome back".
A dark figure of shadows,
Wearing my face,
And speaking in a chorus of voices,
Of his, his, hers and mine,
Stands at the door,
Arms outstretched, smiling wide,
To greet me.
The steps leading to the door,
Each is engraved,
In a jagged, eye-paining script,
With a good intentions:
"I didn't want to hurt you"
"I loved you..."
"I thought it'd help"
"I just wanted you to be happy".
The carpet laid out in my welcome,
Is blood-red, dotted with dark spots,
Possibly spilled blood or bile.
The music begins now,
As I enter:
"I'm not afraid,
I'm manning up,
I'm gonna face my demons
I'm so tired of being here
I held your hand
Through all of these years"

(Typed up to My Immortal(band version) playing on the ipod)

Random Words for a New Year

2011-02-10T13:06:00.000+05:30

This is the year of dreams,
Aspirations, hopes;
This is the year
I try to walk
On the path to the dreams.
If I may, if I can,
I'll turn my back
To romance and comfort
And try to shrug off
The pinpricks
Of Cupid's arrows.
I'd rather dream of work,
Of independence and
Of slapping my wings
And trying to fly
Out, out, out of my nest,
Break out of my bubble.
.........................................................................................................................

I forgo my dreams
Of love and mush;
I trade them in,
For newer dreams,
Dreams of comfort and peace,
Satisfaction and competence.
I dream dreams
That seem more attainable
Than the ones
That Ive dreamed till now.

Songs about ***********

2011-01-21T12:36:00.000+05:30

The following are the poems I wrote down for her. She's read a couple of them. Some are rewrites and one is a combination of 2 separate poems. They are almost in the order of how things proceeded.

“Will you wait for me,”

He said,

“Till the sun goes down

And rises again”

“Will you wait for me,”

He asked,

Hesitantly,

Tentatively,

“Till I gather up the courage

To ask of you that question

That I needs must?

Or if you have guessed,

Or already know,

What I will ask,

Will you favor me

With an answer now?”

“I’ll wait for you, my one,

Till the moon appears

And hides again.

Gladly will I wait for you

Through the darkest hour

And brightest morn;

E’en, if need be,

For forever and a day.”

Is what he thought

He heard her say.

But when he did look u,

Then did he realize

That he himself

Had spoken not a word.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

She sees him standing there,

Shuffling his feet,

Fidgety, nervous,

Hesitant to speak.

She has a premonition

Of what he will say.

He opens his mouth,

And she inhales sharply;

Anticipating, waiting,

For him to speak.

He closes his mouth,

Abruptly,

With no words spoken;

He opens it again,

To close once more.

She waits for him still,

To let his words find voice.

“I… Um… Ah... I seem…

I seem, my lady, to be,

At a loss for words,”

He finally stammers out.

“It seems my tongue

Is now no longer

My own to command.

It refuses to move,

And thus release,

The words that are buzzing

In my heart and head.”

She smiles knowingly;

A pretty smile,

With just a dash

Of mischief.

“how may I answer thee, my knight,

If the question itself

Does lie unspoken?

Wrest control of your tongue

From whatever it is

That does still it.

Release your question,

Set it free;

Voice it out loud,

And fear you not

For mine answer.”

She smiles again,

And whispers, sing-song,

“for’ tis a fearful tricky game,

My incipient knight,

That you have chosen to play.

The dance is wild,

Bewildering and confusing,

And often does appear to be

Devoid of meaning.

Yet there is no escape;

This dance,

The dance of hearts,

Must be danced.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

She moves, and waits

For him to make a move.

He moves,

Slowly, creaking of rust.

They meet midway,

And begin to dance

In and out

Of each other’s paths.

Meaningful words are few

And far, far, between.

Implications and hints,

Nudges and winks abound;

They have replaced words.

He opens his mouth

And she inhales sharply.

She wonders if it is time,

If he’s gathered up wit and courage

To finally speak up.

He opens and closes his mouth,

Like a fish in air.

He stammers,

Exasperating her

And frustrating himself.

Intentions exist,

And so do the words,

But they reach no further

Than the pit of his throat.

He finally mumbles

“I… I seem, my lady,

To be at a loss for words.

It seems my tongue

Is not my own.

It refuses to move,

And thus is preventing me

From liberating these words

That are buzzing

In my heart and mind”

She smiles at him,

“how may I answer, my knight,

To an unspoken question?

Wrest you control over your voice

And be you a man, a knight.

Speak up, loud and clear,

Set free your words,

Questions and emotions,

And be not afraid

Of answers or consequences.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Her face is going cryptic

And I can no longer understand

What her eyes say.

Her mouth moves,

And there are words,

But I’m no longer sure

If what I seem to hear

Is what is being said.

I fear

That there is a mask

Somewhere in between

My eyes and her face.

I thought I knew

Where this unfamiliar road would lead.

Now I’m back

To my default, familiar state

Of confusion.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Her face o longer speaks to him,

Her eyes hold him no more.

He washes his hands

And puts them up.

But he hasn’t given up yet.

He walks away,

Frustrated,

That all his attempts

Seem to make no difference.

He walks away,

Puzzled,

That his advances

Are neither warmly welcomed

Nor coldly rejected.

He walks off,

But not too far away.

He wonders,

Will she bother

To come look for him,

Or will he be forgotten,

Buried in memories,

Without a trace.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Who are you

And where did you come from?

How do you have

So strong a holdover my mind, my heart?

You couldn’t have,

Shouldn’t have, mattered;

Yet, you do…

Why do you matter?!

Why can’t I bury

You and your memories

Deep in my mind, along with everyone else?

Why can’t I lay you to rest,

With the rest

Of my mistakes and regrets?

I had decided

Never to walk this path,

Or atleast,

Not anytime soon.

And yet,

Now I find myself further down this road

Than I’ve ever been before,

All by myself,

Unaided and alone.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

She’s oblivious,

Eyes closed,

To my irritation.

She’s ignorant of

Her unspoken, implied promise.

She’s unaware

Of the vague, nebulous hopes

She inspired deep within me,

In the darkest dungeons

Of my heart’s fortress.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Standing on the line

Between bitterness and hate

And wondering how to return

To the earlier world

Where neither existed,

Nor the separating line.

Wondering now,

How do I return

To my earlier state,

Where she was known

And yet, still unknown.

I want my indifference back:

The thick, cold shield

That was around my heart.

I need to exorcise

All the specters of hope;

I need to remove from my mind

All he implied promises.

I lost my trust and my shield;

Tried losing my heart

But it never went away.

Found anger, found pain,

Found a bitterness I never knew.

Is this, I ask you,

Is this love?

Dam-Break

2009-12-20T21:37:00.000+05:30

Dam-Break

I wish I could

Dissolve all my walls,

Break all my shields

And down the shields

Inside my head.

Just once, let loose

Everything up there;

No more secrets,

No more deception,

No more cloaking,

No more lies and half truths.

Just once, I wish,

I could open the dam

And let it all loose,

To cleanse my heart and mind.

But I cannot…

Honor and care

Will not let me;

They see anger and pain,

Fear, suspicion and worry

Pity and sympathy.

They fear that

Most won’t care enough

And some will care too much.

They are afraid

That the future

Will be changed unalterably

And the past will e tarnished,

Tinged with questions,

Made imperfect.

What The Voice Whispers

2009-10-30T19:17:00.000+05:30

What The Voice Whispers

Always a question...
A "what if" before
And a "what if " now...
Thoughts not completely my own
Yet thoughts
That seem to make sense,
That some of us do agree with,
While others
Vehemently disagree.
The voice bears no malice
Only the wish to understand
Why we did what we did.
It asks questions
We have no answer to,
Questions
We dont want to face,
We dont want to answer
Or even speculate...
"What if you had?"
"What if you did?"
"Would it have been beter?"
"Could it have been better?"
It shows us pictures,
Recounts conversations
And emotions from the past...
Hindsight is always clearer,
Present-sight is too clouded
And foresight
Is wrong too often...

A Prophet’s Prayer

2009-10-30T19:11:00.002+05:30

A Prophet’s Prayer

Flee from me, o Lord,
Come no nearer
I am unclean, unclean.
Leave me behind,
For I have no worth, no use.
But let not my will be done,
Only Your will be done.
I am unworthy,
But if You do insist, my God,
Then burn me.
Set me afire with Thy flame,
And burn me down,
So that I may rise like a phoenix,
Leaving my old self in ashes.
Cleansed, purified and renewed
To carry out the mission
That You have appointed me for.

Guilty conscience

2009-10-30T19:10:00.002+05:30

Guilty conscience

I am the soft whisperer,
Who murmurs in your ear
And does not let you rest
In the twilight hour.
I remind you of all your sins,
And all your acts
Of omission and commission.
I am a gift to the righteous
But God’s curse to the amoral.
I am the thorny bush
That does not let you stray
From the straight and narrow path.
Escape me you cannot,
But deaden me
And ignore me you can.
But hark yea,
That my death rings the bell
For you to be thrown down,
Down into the fiery pit,
Where you will never rest.

You

2009-10-30T19:06:00.000+05:30

You

You’ve always been there,
Right there by my side,
Sharing my highs and
Particularly my lows.
When I was happy,
You were content
To just watch me celebrate
And take part in my rejoicing.
But never were you happy,
When I was unhappy.
Never content until you knew
Just what it was
That hurt me so,
And what you could do to cheer
And bring a smile to my face.

When I was sad and low
You shielded me
In the circle of your rms.
When I cried,
‘Twas your shoulder.
Your shoulder was the one
That lightened my load,
Unheedful of your own.
Your hands holding mine
Helped me rise
From all falls,
Like a phoenix
From its mothers ash.
Yet now,
You’re so far away.
I’m doubtful if my voice
Even reaches your ears.
And if does,
Let it say,
“Thanks for all.”
................................................................................................................................................................
dedicated to Tammy

Wordsmith

2009-10-30T19:04:00.002+05:30

Wordsmith

Words are all I know,
And all I wish to know.
They are my weapons
And also my tools.
Words of wisdom,
From the mouth.

I am no poet, merely
An ordinary conduit.
Words flow through me
From the land of thought
To the realm of print.
I am but a single outlet,
One of innumerable billions,
For a stream that never ceases,
And never stops changing.

Which way do I go

2009-10-30T19:02:00.002+05:30

Which way do I go

I’m at another crossroad,
Propelled and dragged this far
By the tide of life.
Faced by three choices,
To move on and forget;
To remain and retain;
Or to ignore and continue.
I’m confused,
For once bitten,
Shyer by twice I’ve become.
I don’t know what
Is the proper course to take,
Or how long will I stand here,
Confused and unaided,
Until I’m pushed forward again,
Made to make a choice,
Against my will,
As it usually is.

What Silence Screams To Say

2009-10-30T19:01:00.000+05:30

What Silence Screams To Say

Silence,
Seemingly harmless
Yet filled with a thousand words,
Each a posionous sword.
Mute to the common man,
Silence speaks non-stop
To the one with an observing eye,
It spews words of venom,
weeps streams of sorrow
or laments in inconsolable despair.
It exults in joy,
screams in ecstasy
or quietly promises hope;
All unseen, but to one
who listens with his eyes.

Seems empty, does silence indeed;
But it holds within its folds
questions innumerable
Questions for which
We rarely have answers,
But silence holds more than questions,
It teems with a hundred answers,
repressed, focused to be hidden;
Answers which we hope
We never have to hear,
To questions we smugly assume
have no answers.

So how do we tell,
What does silence wish to say?
Does it hold cold anger,
waiting and abiding its time;
Or unquenchable sorrow.
Ready to sweep you in its trade;
Joy, so beautiful,
waiting for the right moment to share
or Hope, that things will brighten,
And burden lessen.
None have yet to find to true way.
So, what does my silence say?!

What If

2009-10-30T18:58:00.000+05:30

What If

I yearned for the apples that grew
In the Hesperide’s yard.
The beautiful red apples
That hung just out of reach:
I tried so hard, to reach them,
To pluck them
And make them mine.
They defied my best effort:
I came so close
Yet, I still failed.
And like the wily old fox
Who reached not the grapes,
So I begin to wonder.
Would those apples that I yearned for,
Be as sweet as they seemed?
Or would they turn bitter
At the tip of my tongue?
Would I have been able
To live with my decision,
The choices I would have made,
If I had succeeded?
Life is so confusing
And full of questions.
So here I am,
Trying o answer
This one little question
“What if?”

Welcome to my life

2009-10-30T18:54:00.002+05:30

Welcome to my life

Why am I so mad?
Why do I harbour this fiery beast,
That threatens to consume all,
Within my chest?
Why is my life so hard?
And why do I not explain
What goes on in my head?
Empty questions all,
They don’t have answers in words;
Questions only experience can explain.
For how I explain
What I don’t comprehend myself.
If you do answers want,
You must live my life.

You think my life ain’t so bad,
That yours is the only
Cross laden path.
You may be speaking the truth,
But still, live through a day of mine.
Face the thousand petty fears
That I must face every moment;
Feel all the insecurities that I have;
Bear the minute annoying things,
Which when lumped up,
Make me something that is under
Neither mine nor your control;
Make me Anger’s child.
Answer and bear all the unanswered questions
Which define my confused being.
Live through this for just one day,
One night and one day,
And tell me truly,
With an unstricken conscience,
Whose is the better life.

Ups and downs

2009-10-30T18:52:00.000+05:30

Ups and downs

Expectations pull at me,
Like leaden weights;
They drag me down,
Drowning me.

I am no genius,
Not blessed with a brain
That can comprehend and retain
All that I learn,
Every single day.

I will fall, certain sure,
But will I rise,
That should be your question.
Not how far down,
But how high will rebound.

Let not failure dishearten
Or bring angry outbursts; or
Success, too much expectation
And baseless boasts.

For every rise there is a fall,
And every success is marred
By a miserable failure.
But every fall has a rebound,
Every failure a triumphant rise.
So be not sad when I fall,
Await yet a while, for
I will rise anon.
Yet these expectations that I bemoan,
And my fears and mistakes,
Are the ballast of my ship,
That stabilizes me
In life’s stormy sea.
So they are a burden
As well as a support;
Drowning me yet
Keeping me from
Going adrift.

Timely changes

2009-10-30T18:47:00.000+05:30

Timely changes

Time passes and change happens.
Yet still, somehow,
Some things seem to remain.
Some things are reluctant to die down,
And be buried, and forgotten,
In the graves of memory.
They keep coming back,
To revisit you, or worse
They never leave your thoughts.
Some hurt, some sting,
While some,
They bring a smile to your face.
Yet all things must pass,
All joy and all pain must fade,
Slower or faster than you wish.
All wounds and scars,
With time enough and patience,
All will be thoroughly healed.
So let time pass,
And wait for time’s healing touch.
Cling to the joy,
And let go of the pain.

Ain't Love Grand...

2009-08-29T23:50:00.000+05:30

Ain't Love Grand...

Ain't Love Grand?

Love is misery,

Love is pain;

Love is torture,

And everything insane.

Love, the fountain of strength;

Love, the reason

For every weakness.

Love cuts to the bone

And to the heart's core.

Yet it is love

That heals each wound...

No greater sorrow

And no greater bliss

Than in love.

Love is perfect,

Love is a song;

Love is blind

To every fault,

Love is deaf

To the braying of logic.

Ain't Love grand...

Brain-speak

2009-08-29T22:59:00.003+05:30

Brain-speak

The brain says to the heart

"Let the pain go."

But the heart

Refuses to pay attention...

The brain say

"The stove ain't hot"

But the fingers still burn

In phantom flames

And they refuse

To take that plunge

Yet again.

The brain says

"Go outside, hide no more;

The Sun's shining,

There are no more clouds."

But the mind and the eyes,

They still see a sky

Clouded with past memories...

Floodgates

2009-08-29T22:51:00.004+05:30

Floodgates

To whom can we open the floodgates

And be completely sure

That they won't drown?

To whom

Can we expose our wounds

And hope

They won't run away

Screaming for amnesia?

How can we trust

That to whom we open up to

Will have no apathy,

But will care enough

To atleast lend an ear?

Too little trust,

Too much control;

All leading

To weakened gates...

Timely changes

2009-08-04T22:36:00.000+05:30

Timely changes

Time passes and change happens.

Yet still, somehow,
Some things seem to remain.
Some things are reluctant to die down,
And be buried, and forgotten,
In the graves of memory.
They keep coming back,
To revisit you, or worse
They never leave your thoughts.
Some hurt, some sting,
While some,
They bring a smile to your face.
Yet all things must pass,
All joy and all pain must fade,
Slower or faster than you wish.
All wounds and scars,
With time enough and patience,
All will be thoroughly healed.
So let time pass,
And wait for time’s healing touch.
Cling to the joy,
And let go of the pain.

Words

2009-08-01T02:52:00.000+05:30

Words

A 100,000 words

Screaming in my head,

Begging for release.

They stay for a few instants,

And then vanish into the nothingness

From whence they came.

Some stay for a while,

Tinged with red, black

Blue and green,

They speak of sorrow and loss,

Hysterical joy and pleasure

And vague mutterings of discontent...

Only to leave after a while

Back into the blackness

Of my mind...

Time

2009-07-10T00:09:00.000+05:30

Time

Time stops when it should speed.

Inching like a glacier,

When it should flow like a river, a wild river in spate.

Yet it flies like a bird

When we pursue it

In our time of need.

Anger not time,

For if you make time your enemy,

You will find

Time is ruthless, with no shred of mercy

And no drop of clemency.

Destroyer of all,

Second to none,

It reduces mortals and gods

To the dust and shards

Of a forgotten past.

Yet befriend time,

And you will be the closest

Anyone ever did get

At being truly immortal;

Remembered through the ages,

Your praises will be sung through the ages.

So decide wisely,

and beware.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

this, i believe, was the poem that Aastha showed you, and the one which flipped the switch we keep talking about...

This too shall pass

2009-07-10T00:04:00.000+05:30

This too shall pass

All joy and all pain,

All grief and all anger,

All shall pass away.

Some forgotten,

Some put to rest,

And others, they remain

In the twilight of the mind.

All wounds and all scars,

All heartbreaks and partings,

All shall be healed.

Let Time heal and Patience lessen

The pain, the trauma and the agony you bore.

Let it all fade away,

Until even the scars are but a memory,

The pain even more so.

But let not the joy be forgotten fully;

Let it remain as an embalmed rose,

Past its time,

But still fragrant.

This paradox called me

2009-07-09T23:58:00.000+05:30

This paradox called me

So very mature

Yet still, so

Helplessly immature.

So hopelessly corrupted,

But retaining innocence,

Just like a child.

So much anger, but

Such a calm façade,

Who can solve this riddle?

Is there one who can explain

Or even comprehend,

This paradox called me?

A know-it-all am I,

Who knows nothing.

Called a genius, when

In reality I am

Just another idiot.

So confused and frustrated

As to what am I?

Man, imp, or illusion.

Or a sentient puzzle

Created by god to baffle

The entire world and me.

Fire and ice,

Jekyll and Hyde.

Am I two persons

Bound in one body

To endure this madness/

Or else is everyone

As crazy as I feel?

A cryptic puzzle,

Yet the simplest riddle.

The sphinx’s smile

Or just an unopened file.

Really, who can decipher

This mad mind of mine,

This cipher that I be?

The word

2009-07-09T23:57:00.001+05:30

The word

There echoes through the streets,

Lonely and deserted,

One word;

The scream of a lonely man,

Berating his life,

Cursing his luck

And dying within.

The word rolls around

And echoes off the walls

Of his now deserted house.

He wonders if it reaches

The ears of the One above;

He wonders why

There is no answer.

He strains his ear

Trying to hear

What silence may be whispering,

As an answer to his question,

“Why?”
..................................................................................................................................................................
dedicated to Yamraj

The shrine

2009-07-09T23:52:00.000+05:30

The shrine

Every time I laugh,

Fully and freely,

It is for you .

Every time I weep,

Weeping out my heart,

It is because of you .

All of my highs

And all my lows,

They all , somehow

Seem to involve you .

So now,

Everything I do,

Say, think , live,

Write and feel,

It is but another offering

On the altar that I built

In my minds shrine,

In your name

And with you in mind.

Thoughts in the Rain

2009-07-09T23:42:00.000+05:30

Thoughts in the Rain

Getting drenched in the rain

And listening

To soft songs.

Wishing to be

In a fast moving car,

With no destination;

Getting my face and hair

Buffeted by the wind.

Thinking of the good,

The ugly and the bad,

And things in between.

Remembering nearly forgotten memories

Stored in the vaults

Deep within my mind...

Beat

2009-07-09T23:33:00.000+05:30

Beat

For whom does my hear beat?

Dost thou beat

For thine and myself,

Out of a sense of duty

And responsibility

To keep me alive?

Or does thou beat

For someone

Yet unseen

And unmet?

The road to the future

2009-06-27T23:30:00.000+05:30

The road to the future

The path ahead of me

Goes on and on;

Twisting and turning,

And sometimes unchanging.

I am now at another crossroad,

Another parting of the ways;

The only decider of my future

Is what choice I make,

What I end up doing today.

One road is the dusty road:

Well trod and monotonous,

Conventional and promising

Safety from uncertain times.

The other road is the one lightly trodden,

It is still green and mysterious.

Unknown and uncharted,

It promises many things:

Glorious success,

Devastating defeat,

Or even the cloak

Of public anonymity.

Yet defeat is attained,

Only if you lose heart

Halfway through the journey.

So this decision I face,

The choice that will eventually

Decide what will be.

So I stand here and wonder,

Is my choice the right one?

The moment I regret

2009-06-27T23:28:00.000+05:30

The moment I regret

A brief instant we stood there

When I came to say goodbye.

We said not a word;

Silence reigned.

An instant that seemed so brief

Causes so much regret now.

Now I realize it was my fault,

For it was my move;

I should have done something

For now my time was up.

We stood there silently,

Mute as bewitched mortals.

Then an awkward goodbye:

No hug, no sign of the affection

I hoped existed.

Maybe I expected too much,

Especially when her ‘no’ was clear.

The Imp

2009-06-27T23:25:00.001+05:30

The Imp

Clapping my hands

And cackling with glee,

I thumb my nose

At the Powers-that-be.

Nay, not a sprite, nor a demon am I,

Nor pixie, elf or goblin.

I am the imp,

Magical and mischievous.

I am your highly annoying

Yet oft helpful companion;

Your friendly fiend.

Unpredictable in my ways,

With the twin sparks

Of madness and chaos

Glittering in my eyes.

Always laughing, with a prank at hand,

I regard the entire world as a jest.

You’ll often wish you knew me

A little better, or not at all.

But behind my laughter

And all that madness,

Which is my shield,

I hide my hurts and scars

Along with a terrible anger

I daren’t show.

All the darkness and faults

Are veiled in the shadows

Thrown by the fire that burns bright within,

The fire of my eccentricity.

So don’t be afraid,

I promise I won’t bite.

I’m as harmless as a volcano

That has lain dormant for years.

Be my friend, and know me well

And you’ll begin to see

Why I’m called

The Imp.

The Dance

2009-06-27T23:20:00.000+05:30

The Dance

Why do i even bother

About what she thinks?

Why do i care still

About what goes on

Inside her mind?

Why is she,

Knowingly or unknowingly,

Bothering me so?

How did she come to posess

This power,`that she wields,

Over me?

How do i free myself

From her grip?

I try not to care,

But the accursed dance

Goes on still;

I care and then i don't,

She nudges

And then she stops.

There seem to be others as well

Yet occasionally

She glances my way.

And when she does,

I cant understand

What she says.

That time of our life

2009-06-27T23:19:00.000+05:30

That time of our life

It’s time to say goodbye,

The “I’ll miss you too”’s;

Some heartfelt and some,

Some just empty words.

Its time to make those promises:

The promises to stay in touch,

And to meet every so often.

But usually they remain just that:

Empty promises, meaning-devoid.

It’s the time of melancholia,

And the time of nostalgia;

And maybe some regret,

And maybe some joy.

It’s the time for the ways to part,

For weaker ties to break

While the stronger ones endure.

Now we must say goodbye,

While we can still speak;

No matter how much our hearts rebel,

Distance become our nemesis

And before grief steals all speech,

We must bid adieu.

And all we can hope for

Is that our friendship

Is made of sterner stuff.

‘Taint your fault

2009-06-27T23:18:00.000+05:30

‘Taint your fault

Do you recognize me?

I am the offspring that you bore;

Your son, whom you brought up.

But I am not completely yours:

I am somewhat mine,

And somewhat of the world.

Do not weep and moan

About all my vices and faults,

Which have now begun to stand out.

It’s not your fault,

You did nothing wrong.

You moulded to your ability’s best,

Aided and hindered by those around you.

Yet you fail to realize,

That in my making and moulding,

That there was one person

Whom you forgot to account for;

You forgot me.

Creator and creature, maker and machine,

Owner and property, guide and follower,

I am partly my own.

You did what you should have,

And so did I.

Now I stand before you,

A symbol, an image,

One confused being.

Who was and is wrought

Partly in your image,

And partly

On who knows what!

Super rose

2009-06-27T23:16:00.000+05:30

Super rose

From his heart grew a rose,
Around her heart there was a wall.
The rose tried to breach
And break the barrier in its path.
Alas the wall was too old
And too wise, to go down thus.
The rose tried its utmost best,
And the wall smiled on.
Nut in the end, the rose was vanquished,
It did meet its bitter-sweet end;
It withered away at the foot of the wall.
But it went away with a smile,
For in its dying glance it saw
The wall smiling on, but
The twinkle in its eye
Was a tiny, tiny tear.
So even in defeat and mournful death,
The rose did achieve success,
For it still did spread its scent
Even in death’s cold grip.

Stuck

2009-06-27T23:14:00.000+05:30

Stuck

Someone get her out,

She’s stuck in my head;

She refuses to leave,

And I’m going mad.

Her face keeps on attacking my eyes,

Her voice won’t let alone.

Her images laugh at my annoyance,

And her laugh further maddens me.

Her disturbing prettiness

Won’t let go of me,

Even now, even though

She’s long said goodbye.

Memories of her haunt me,

And there seems to be no escape.

She may have said no,

But she’s lodged herself in my mind;

And I can’t let her out.

Neither do I really want to,

For who is out there

Who can take her place?

Spirit me away

2009-06-27T23:12:00.000+05:30

Spirit me away

I see thee in the skies
And hear thy mighty wings
When thou flieth
With the heavenly minstrels
And those winged jesters.
Traveller to distant lands,
Fulfiller of dreams
And renewer of hope,
Thou drawest awed stares and astonished gasps
From thy sightly companions in flight.
O traveller of exotic lands,
Listen to mine plea, mine one request:
Make me one of those countless millions
Who art thy daily fare;
Those, whose hope are pinned on thee.
Take me away to some distant land,
Or, if possible,
To some other time.
Take me somewhere, anywhere
Where I can be lost,
Anonymous and invisible
Yet retaining mine identity.
Take me somewhere where I belong,
A home away from here.

Searching

2009-06-27T23:10:00.000+05:30

Searching

I have looked hither

And I have looked thither

And nowhere did I find success.

Now I don’t know wither to look,

To find the one whom I seek.

I asked the winds,

But they had nothing to say;

The arrogant sun gave me no heed

And the moon was lost unto herself.

Long ago I thought I had found her,

But she, she is now lost,

Gone, separated, parted,

Maybe forever.

So now I look and I search,

Searching for someone

Who may be

What I search for;

Though maybe, there be none like her

Whom I do dream of.

Saying goodbye

2009-06-27T23:08:00.000+05:30

Saying goodbye

Once again,

Ad nauseaum,

We’re at another parting;

Partly different, partly same.

Déjà vu, it happens again,

The same old tears,

The new regrets,

Always about

The same old friends.

Can’t do anything about it,

Must live it.

Can’t break friendships,

But can’t bear to say goodbye.

Every time you hope and pray

“Make it easier to say goodbye,

At least this time,”

Yet, it’s the same old sob story.

We never learn to say goodbye,

Until the ultimate goodbye,

When one of us

Won’t say a single word.

Remember me

2009-06-27T23:03:00.000+05:30

Remember me

So long, farewell.

My heart chokes on this,

My tongue rebels,

But adieu, dear friend.

I must say goodbye,

Yet again.

This parting has no joy,

Only grief, of things left

Undone and unsaid

And things that will never happen.

But mind them not,

They are but shadows,

Inconsequential.

Onward with your journey,

Look you never behind.

All I do ask of you,

Please bear me in mind.

Reliving the past

2009-06-27T22:56:00.001+05:30

Reliving the past

I sit here alone, reminiscing

About everything we did,

Laughed and joked about;

All the teasing and banter,

The chaos and good cheer.

I recall those heady days,

Filled with our own madness;

How I hope they’d never end.

But alas, alas, they did end,

The unstallable did happen;

Time would stop.

After all, who was I?

Just another mere mortal,

One of innumerable billions,

Begging the All-powerful

For some alms, some more time.

Now we’re far away,

Separated by time and the seas,

The sun and the moon,

And by an expanse of land.

Now all I’m left with

Is your lingering fragrance,

The now fading memory

Of your beautiful,

The soft echo

Of your soothing voice.

Reasons for paranoia

2009-06-27T22:47:00.001+05:30

Reasons for paranoia

So many mistakes,

So many missteps;

So many friends left

Angry, sad, annoyed,

Or simply, plain mad.

All, all because I was wrong,

Because I was stupid,

All because I did ‘what I shouldn’t have done;

All of it is only my fault.

Now I’ve grown wary.

I’ve caused enough distress,

So I’ve become cautious.

I tread now with a light foot,

Ever ready to retrace my steps,

Ever ready to turn back and flee,

Or fall on my knees and plead.

So rib me not for my paranoia;

It is the only shield

Which defends you

From my colossal mistakes.

Questions

2009-06-27T22:43:00.000+05:30

Questions

What do you do

When you have

No cause to die for,

No motive to live for;

When you live,

Because you must?

What do you do,

When you walk the path,

Ignorant of the source,

And of your destination?

You don’t even remember why

You chose to walk;

All you do remember

Is that you must not stop.

What do you do

When you become,

Insensitive, uncaring

Of the world around you?

Nothing seems to warm

Your now frozen soul.

What do you do

When the fire within

Has burnt itself out?

You see no goal, no future.

Neither a beginning,

Nor even an end;

All you seem to have

Is your own self,

And these questions.

Questions, the ‘correct’ answers to which,

Somehow sound good and right,

But feel very hollow.

You wish they were right,

So you can accept them,

But somehow, something says,

It don’t feel right.

Questions of an idle mind

2009-06-27T22:42:00.000+05:30

Questions of an idle mind

What do you do

When the oppressed one becomes

The oppressor of his fellow man?

When the seeker of the rose

Becomes the thorny hedge

In the path of another,

What do you tell him?

What do you do,

When you become for someone else,

The very pain you tried to subdue

Within your breast?

When the roles are reversed

In the blink of an eye,

Without you realizing it,

How do you go about

Correcting it?

If others will damn you for action,

But you will condemn yourself for inaction,

What is the proper course to take?

Questions i want answers to

2009-06-27T22:38:00.000+05:30

Questions i want answers to

What have I become?

What have I been moulded into

By my past and present,

By my mistakes

And my successes?

Have I been changed

For the better

Or indeed, for the worse?

Seemingly profound questions

But in reality

Just me babbling

In unadulterated boredom.

Why must I be

The only lonely one?

why must i remain forever

Only a friend

And never a lover?

Why am I doomed

To lust for the forbidden fruit?

Why am I the one

Who is calm

Even in the midst of a storm,

The silent one

In the midst of a crowd?

Why me? Why just me?

Is it because

Of what I’ve been through,

Or is it because

Someone wills it so?

Pin cushion

2009-06-27T22:29:00.001+05:30

Pin cushion

She didn’t even say goodbye.

I stood at her door,

At the midnight hour.

I knocked to see her face

The ultimate time before

I was cleaved from her.

I brought her one last offering,

One last show of my affection.

I knew full well

That it would have no reply,

At least no reply I wanted;

For I myself knew not

What reply did I really want.

Reaffirmation of her refusal

Would do nothing

To a heart gone numb.

But a reply to my affection

At that final hour

Would have just stuck

One more pin

Into my pin cushion heart.

Patience-confounding confusion

2009-06-27T22:25:00.001+05:30

Patience-confounding confusion

I don’t know who

I want to be,

Or even which road

I must leave my mark on.

But this much I know,

These facts are crystal clear:

I doubt I will ever be

Whoever or whatever

You wanted me to be.

The road that I will follow

May or may not be tainted

By the footsteps

Of those who’ve left me behind.

So be patient with me,

Bear my madness yet awhile.

If this be too much to ask for,

All I can say to you is…

Paragon of excellence

2009-06-27T22:16:00.000+05:30

Paragon of excellence

I didn’t volunteer
To be an example.
I didn’t ask
Either for present glorification
Or future vilification.
I am not fit
For this job, as is
No mere mortal.
For we are human
With all our faults
Hidden as well as visible.

So why does it anger you,
When I fail at a job
I never wanted
And will give up
Without the least thought.
Recognition is troublesome:
Too many responsibilities
And freedoms too few;
The price is too steep.

Poems written in A'bad

2009-06-11T10:43:00.000+05:30

Poems written in A'bad

Not going there,

Not going to the darkness.

Not going to that door,

Beyond which I have locked

Untold, un-needed things.

Parts of my mind and heart

Longings and yearnings,

Fading away to nothing,

And the pain of my past.

All lie jumbled together,

In the darkness.

I’m staying in the light,

Away from it all,

Far, far away.

..................................

If I had no longer to live,

Not another day of life;

If I had to die today,

This minute, this instant,

What shall I die for?

No particular ideal

I prize so highly,

Nor money or possessions.

No dreams of revolutions

Or visions of Utopia

I hold so close to my heart.

Only friends I hold dear enough

So for friendship

I shall die for.

...................................

Who will hold my hand

When I weep?

Who will console me

In my times of grief?

Who will stand by my side

When I’m all alone?

Who will lure me to sanity

From the throes

Of madness and rage?

...................................

Despair and depression

Concealed and cloaked

In irritation and humor.

Curiosity tightly clamped

In the grip

Of reluctance, hesitation

And indecision.

Disgust hiding the questions

Bubbling from within.

..................................

Life is balance and harmony

Light and dark,

Good and bad.

Mirth coexists with grief

And love lives with hate.

Every tear shed in laughter

Will be balanced

By tears shed in anguish.

Every frustrated thought

Will be coolly examined

In the light of rationality.

Laziness will be counteracted

With frenetic bursts of activity.

And friends and enemies

Will forever dance

The dance of life

All around you.

Open arms

2009-05-17T01:37:00.001+05:30

Open arms

"Broken hearts and broken dreams,

Broken lives and heavy loads.

Come to me and rest, He said.

Come, unburden yourselves,

And take up freely

My feather-light load.

The road may be hard,

The obstacles many.

But drink from my well

And you will rejoice.

Strength is in this water,

To bear what this world

Will throw in your way."

He will bathe you clean

In , that liquid priceless,

The blood that He shed.

You will be clean as snow,

Cleaner than you ever were.

You will be a guest in His halls,

The honoured one at his feasts.

But the road to Him

Is not so short or easy.

The path may be pitch-dark,

Littered with pits and mires.

You must traverse this lengthy road

With a heavy cross

Lashed on your back.

No matter how often you fall,

Or how dirty you get,

His love lessens not.

He just awaits you patiently

With smiling eyes and

Wide-open arms.

But the Door is not so wide

Even though entry is free.

Not all who seem worthy

To us humans

Are as worth

In His eternal eyes.

Onlooker

2009-05-17T01:26:00.000+05:30

Onlooker

How lucky art thou, my brother!

Thou happy wretch,

Thou hast attained success;

While I, miserable mortal,

Haven’t even tried

And already given up.

Thou hast faced thy demons,

Calmed all thine fears,

Scaled the peak,

And claimed success.

I, cowardly one that I am,

I have waited and waited,

Tried yet and again,

And still I am no closer to success.

I envy thee, my brother,

But I wish thee no harm.

No ill will I bear thee,

Just grief for myself.

For thou deserveth thy prize,

Let no one refute thy claim.

I must now be content

To patiently await my chance;

Try yet again,

And maybe fail once again.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

just because i can, wolfie,

Dedicated to Rhodar

Ode to randomness

2009-05-17T01:22:00.000+05:30

Ode to randomness

Oh why, oh why

Does everyone want to be

A lightbulb bright?

C’mon, be enlightened,

Join me and become

A big fat walrus

That lives

On the moon

With the moon-man.

The moon with sparkly rings

On which cows dance,

While horses draw

Entire houses on ploughs.

Wait a minute! Stop I say!

You’re ruining those rings

With your stupid ploughs!

Look what you did! They’re ruined!

Now I’m going to have to buy

Diamond dust by the bucket

From the dwarf who sleeps

Somewhere on the Sun at night.

But until he comes

I must go to sleep,

And maybe visit the real world

In my nightmares.

Ode to anger

2009-05-17T01:21:00.001+05:30

Ode to anger

Hail, sweet anger,

O beautiful flaming one,

Most innocent and pure.

Holding no guile

Or any treachery,

You are the purifier of my soul.

You are the fire that warms

Many a frozen heart,

Chilled from fear and indifference.

O fiery child most true,

Giver of strength

And destroyer of fear,

Obliterate my indecision

And strengthen my failing resolve;

Spur me onwards,

With never a backward glance.

You are much maligned,

Forever undervalued,

And never appreciated fully.

You are the step child,

The child less loved.

Yet you are my own,

And never will I desert you.

My essence is you,

Without you,

I am incomplete.

So be you my shield,

My fiery companion,

And never leave my side.

Numb

2009-05-17T01:06:00.001+05:30

Numb

I’ve had enough,

I need no more pain.

It has gone beyond endurance

And beyond my tolerance.

I surrender all my emotions, freely,

And with no second thoughts.

Take it all from me

And unburden me of

All emotion, all pain,

All memory and joy.

De-humanize, in-humanize me,

If to be human

I must face all this.

Desensitize me, toughen me,

Numb me to it all.

It hurts too much,

I have it too often.

Separate me from my past,

Free from the future,

And unburden me of the present.

Make me an automaton,

Free from emotions and choice,

Free from all duties;

Free, to simply exist.

Existing only,

Neither alive nor dead,

Asleep nor awake,

Simply numb.

Not Meant To Be

2009-05-17T00:58:00.001+05:30

Not Meant To Be

I think back to old times,

Of all those memories we now share.

They make me laugh and split my sides,

They make me cry and weep out my heart.

All the would-haves and the should-haves,

I think of them all,

Along with all that could have been,

But was never meant to be.

I remember it all, sadly,

With a large dose

Of wistful longing.

I now realize the entire truth,

That those things

Will never be;

That they were but mirages,

Evaporated

By reality’s harsh light.

And I try to look ahead,

And again I dimly see events

That can and might b,

But this I do not know,

Are they meant to be?

No

2009-05-17T00:56:00.001+05:30

How can I forget

All that I have left behind?

Can I ever forget

All that joy, pain,

Happiness, grief

And all the achievements and mistakes?

Can I truly turn my back

On all of these things

Which have made me what I am?

But I must, out of necessity,

For I am going insane.

It is too painful

To relive it over and over again.

But I cannot forget,

I will not forget.

It may be too painful

But each memory must prized.

Bitter lessons must be learnt,

And sweet joys remembered.

Sour, sweet, bitter,

Or some mixture,

Life is one and all.

Each memory is a gem,

To be kept safe,

E’en though it hurts,

E’en though each is a sharp knife,

Pricking my heart.

No More

2009-05-17T00:47:00.001+05:30

No More

What was I hoping for,

What did I expect?

Did I wish to rekindle the fire

From long smouldering ashes?

Or did I wish to extinguish them,

Once and for all?

The flame rekindled

'T would have brought pain.

But closure of it all,

It frightens me;

What is the reason for my fear,

I have no clue. T

o come this close

And still be foiled;

Alas, will there be no end?

Nine

2009-05-17T00:41:00.002+05:30

Nine

One God for one heaven,

One Devil for one hell,

And one war between them

For one world.

One, one and one more one;

One is the order of the world.

One soul for one body,

One mind to one heart

And one life to search

For the one love of your life.

One once again.

Yet one wasn't enough for me.

Not one or two

Or even three am I.

I am nine;

Nine tinges to one shade,

Nine faces to one body.

One for the dark one

On his dark throne

Of bittersweet memories.

One for the fiery one,

Wild, free and pure

In his red-black rage.

Three more, one each

For the child and the adult,

And the one in between.

Ane gloomy cynic

To balance and counter

One wild optimist.

One pragmatist

To help the adult

In getting things done.

And lastly, one silk

To keep me alive

Paranoid and jumpy.

Five days later

2009-05-17T00:38:00.000+05:30

Five days later

“Hosanna, hosanna

Hosanna in the highest”

They exulted,

With palm leaves in their hands.

But five days later,

Those were the very people

Who shouted and screamed

“crucify him, crucify him!”

Oh my people

What ill have I done to you?

What crime did I commit?

They spread their cloaks on the ground

And laid them on my beast.

Yet it was I,

Five days later

Who stood naked,

Stripped of everything.

They wished to exalt me

And exalted I was,

But on a cross.

They wished to crown me,

And crowned I was,

But with a crown of thorns.

You, among whom I dwelled,

You, for whom I was sent;

You would have me crucified?

But why, my people,

Why?

My secret burden

2009-05-05T20:40:00.001+05:30

My secret burden

This is my cross, this is my pain.

It is bound to my back,

There is no escape.

It is my duty, my responsibility

That cannot be shirked for long.

It is my secret, it is my burden,

Let it ne’er be seen.

May no hint of what I bear

Ever cross my face,

Or ever cross my lips;

May it be hidden

Deep within my mind.

For if anyone did see,

What good would it do?

How could they help?

Pitiful glances, shallow platitudes,

Meaningless advice,

And shallow offers of help.

No thank you, I need no help.

I’ve gotten this far,

I’m sure I’ll reach the end.

My cloak

2009-05-05T20:38:00.000+05:30

My cloak

Wherever I go, under sun or moon,

In the blinding light

Or the soothing dark,

I wear a cloak, invisible to most;

A cloak of lies, a cloak of deceit,

A cloak of shadows, and distorted light.

Sometimes it shrinks,

Revealing me

Almost completely

And truly as I am.

Sometimes it grows,

Expanding and hiding

My darker side,

The side of my face

And my of my soul

That I dare not show,

To passer-bys and

Casual acquaintances.

Everyone can see me,

But only some realize

That I am not entirely

What I seem to be;

That I have things hidden,

That shall never be exposed

To the blinding public light.

Mush from a mush-hater

2009-05-05T20:37:00.000+05:30

Mush from a mush-hater

She’s long gone,

Yet the memories linger.

The wounds are painful still,

But they are on the mend.

Scars there will be for a while,

To be carried with pride.

There is a longing in me;

An ache that is unrelenting.

It afflicts all my senses.

My eyes long to see her face,

Whose memory is now receding;

My ears long for her voice,

Whose echo is now dying down;

My nose searches for her fragrance,

So delicate and now fleeing;

My skin wishes it was nearer to her,

But distances too great

Are in between, separating us.

Yet the longing is not so keen,

It is dying down, receding.

The blood hat flowed freely

Has begun to slow.

The pain that I felt is still there;

But not as sharp

As it used to be.

It is now but a memory,

Of things long ago.

Move on

2009-05-05T20:35:00.001+05:30

Move on

Move on, move on

Just to make it through.

Move on, move on

Even though you’re through.

Tired, dejected

Feeling rejected.

Depressed and listless,

Scared and hopeless.

But still

You must move on.

The end is near,

A hand span away.

So don’t give up now,

Move on, move on.

You’ve come this far:

The journey almost done,

The end in sight.

So don’t give up now,

Struggle on.

Plod and slog if you must,

Take a break, a quiet rest.

But don’t give in now,

When the finish line

Is right ahead.

On the other side

You’ll find rest,

And the peace you crave.

But to finish,

You have to

Move on.

Monster mind

2009-05-05T20:34:00.000+05:30

Monster mind

I am the monster in your mind,

Burning you from within,

While without, no one guess what I do.

Gnawing at your sanity,

I will rip you to shreds.

I am the tireless beast,

Who never lets you rest,

Never lets you escape

From the past you’ve left behind.

I am the one with many names:

My name is memory;

Bringer of tears of sadness and joy,

Smiles of happiness and sorrow.

Bearer of anger and herald of nostalgia,

I am the devourer of peace.

I bring to life long-forgotten grudges

And all you’ve tried to forget.

I make you regret what you did,

And question what you didn’t.

I attack anywhere and everywhere,

In broad daylight or

In the cold and lonely night.

You have no escape from me,

For I reside in your mind.

You have no defense against me

For I am within,

And without me

You have no defense

To the things without.

Mirror shards

2009-05-04T21:35:00.002+05:30

Mirror shards

I’m not what you think I am:

No longer the sweet child of old,

No longer soft but still

Extremely insecure.

Neither as pure as you think

Or as I used to be.

Now I’ve been hardened,

Stained by the dust that floats around here.

Hardened I may now be,

But now I’m fragile;

Easily shattered

Even by a kiss.

I’ve become the mirror

In which outsiders

See you reflected.

Hold me too tight,

And I’ll break

Right inside your grip.

But me too lose,

And I’ll slip,

Slip away and fall,

Destroying myself

And injuring you.

Memories

2009-05-04T21:33:00.000+05:30

Memories

Emotions come

And emotions go.

Experiences

Come and go.

Friends come;

Some leave,

While others remain.

But what is left,

In the end,

After this seemingly

Never-ending exodus?

Bittersweet memories:

Fragrant like roses,

But with the thorns intact;

Blunted but still there

So they remind you

What emotions you felt.

Me 1.4

2009-05-04T21:32:00.000+05:30

Me 1.4

Perverted fantasies and ignoble dreams,

I cherish the lies and the secrecy.

Yet still in a small corner

Of my filthy and twisted soul,

I dream and yearn

For a better self,

A cleaner version of me.

Yet the darkness that haunts me

Is hard to leave;

Like a persistent relative

It refuses to let go.

The shortfalls and sins

Feel soft as silk,

And yet they will be

The silken noose

That will end my life.

So I know I must renounce

The ways of my past and present.

Yet the path is hard,

The traps and twists are many.

And it seems that my faults

Can be confided with no one.

For then I will be shunned,

On ostracized outcast.

So who do I trust?

In whom should my trust

Listen up

2009-05-04T21:30:00.000+05:30

Listen up

Enough is enough!

Turn the f***ing volume down!!

I’m going deaf, and so are you.

Can’t hear no more

Neither myself,

Nor what you’re trying to say.

I talk s**t, yes, I admit,

But sometimes, some rare times,

I may actually speak on something

I f***ing know well!!

So hear me out;

Surely you can spare the time

And listening ain’t no crime.

So what if I’m wrong?

Prove me wrong,

And happy I’ll be.

But dare you f***ing question

Or doubt my word

On something I should know well!!

So if I can f***ing listen to your c**p,

Then you better listen up

And hear me out.

Lamentations and longing

2009-05-04T21:29:00.001+05:30

Lamentations and longing

It’s been so long

Since you held me

In your arms.

It’s been too long

Since I felt

Your playful slaps,

The ‘punishment’

For my mischief.

Now it hurts again,

The pain that seemed

I had left behind.

The tears that I shed then,

I thought them dry;

I thought so until

I started to silently weep

For the experiences

We’ll never share now.

I long to relive

What all we did,

But as I realize I can’t,

The pain is renewed once again.

Keep your distance

2009-05-04T21:17:00.000+05:30

Keep your distance

Stay away from me,

Don’t come any closer,

For your illusions may shatter.

Stay distant from me,

And let all things be;

For if you come closer

You will see things

You were never meant to see.

At a distance I may seem spotless,

But on closer inspection you find

I am not exactly unstained.

Closer up you may realize

That my smiling, dopey face

Is half a façade,

Hiding partly what I truly feel.

Come closer and you will see

That my mouth moves,

But not in accord

With my barely concealed thoughts;

And sometimes I must say things

I don’t really mean.

So keep your distance

And keep the illusion intact.

Inanimate Intelligence

2009-05-04T21:16:00.000+05:30

Inanimate Intelligence

I am no idol or icon,

No role model or example.

I am just me, not who

You want me to be.

I may be the yardstick

By which you are judged

But this yardstick

Has a mind of its own

And its own faults.

No icons n my life,

I follow none;

And hopefully

No one follows me.

For I’m not perfect:

I’m just human,

With all my faults

And emotions intact.

I may be the mirror

That people use

To see who you are.

But this mirror

Has its own emotion

And its hidden flaws,

No mute mirror am I,

For everyone reflected in me

Is marred and distorted

By my personal biases.

Image-faithful

2009-05-04T21:14:00.000+05:30

Image-faithful

I have decided,

I have made up mind:

I will stay faithful to her,

Even though she’s said “No”.

I will not waver,

I will not move.

I am hers and hers alone.

I have sworn fealty to her,

And no one else holds my oath.

I have been branded, scarred.

Even now the scar is clearly seen;

The brand is seared across my being,

And it still throbs with pain.

Even though she refuses,

And tells me to leave,

Unwittingly, she holds me captive,

Unknowingly, she is my liege.

So what if my faithfulness be in vain,

So what if it ne’er bear fruit?

So what if she be but an image

Preserved in my fevered mind?

I promised myself there would be no other,

No one, save her alone.

Now I will faithfully await,

Lonely and single,

Until my labour bear fruit,

Maybe to the end of my days.

I don’t want to move on

2009-05-04T21:13:00.000+05:30

I don’t want to move on

Letting go

Of my fantasy;

Something I held

And still hold dear.

But I must move on,

For everyone’s sake,

I must plod on.

Hard it is indeed

To leave it behind.

But I must,

Before I am wrecked,

Sunk like a ship

Cannon-ball stricken.

Sometimes I wish

To be drowned

In side my own head,

In my memories

And my fantasies.

But reality

Has a vicious grip.

So here I am

Half submerged

And choking

On my own emotions.

But still I don’t want

To move ahead.

Let me remain,

Here in my mind.

I do not wish

To let it go.

Holding My Heart

2009-05-04T21:12:00.001+05:30

Holding My Heart

I hold mine own heart,

And ‘tis something I must live with.

‘Twas offered before,

And ‘twas softly rejected.

So now I wait and I hope,

I search for someone

To whom I can offer it again;

I wish and dream of someone

Who will accept mine gift,

The humble offering of myself.

I would offer to she

Who did refuse it before,

But I know the answer

And I want no part

Of the pain that will be unleashed.

Helplessness

2009-05-04T21:10:00.002+05:30

Helplessness

What do you do

When an 'utopia' crumbles,

When your reality

Is slowly

Ripped into two,

When a 'happily ever after'

Is no more?

How are you to help

Especially when

They neither need nor want it?

What is a 5yr old to do

When the parents file for divorce

"on mutual grounds"?

Nothing...

Nothng, except wait

And watch from the sides,

Till the very end.

Friend melancholia

2009-05-04T21:09:00.001+05:30

Friend melancholia

Hello melancholia, once again.

Sweet friend, sweet pain,

You visit me once again;

You are never far from me.

Joy and grief are acquaintances,

Friends for a while too short,

Or even, a while to long.

But you, you are faithful.

You are not fickle like happiness,

Or all-consuming and hungry as anger;

You stay silent and reserved.

You are rarely parted

From that twin of yours,

The reminder of long forgotten things,

Nostalgia.

So now I am in your company,

Let no one else invade,

And let nostalgia reminiscence.

Don’t ask me

2009-05-02T01:33:00.001+05:30

Don’t ask me

Confused and confusing,
Paranoaically trusting,
I am me.
A shade of gray
With spots of white
And streaks of black.
The silent one
Who is the friend of words;
I don’t know me.
Parallel facades
Of good and bad,
Hiding good below bad,
And bad below good;
You don’t need to know me.
A mind so corrupted and diseased,
And still possessing a tidy corner.
Don’t ask me
Who or what am I.
No one understands me
Completely, but only partly;
Still they are sympathetic.
Don’t even try
To understand me,
For I just exist.

Do you realize…

2009-05-02T01:30:00.000+05:30

Do you realize…

Everybody’s life sucks,
And yours the most.
But do you realize…
That somebody else’s life
Might be worse than yours?
That someone wouldn’t mind
Stepping into your shoes?
That they might Heaven
Compared to the Hell they’ve been through?
Do you realize
That what you see
As somebody’s perfect life,
Might just be
The perfect lie?
For can you tell the difference
Between truth and lie,
Reality and illusion?
The grass may be greener
On the other side of the hedge
But the cross
Might be heavier as well.

Déjà vu

2009-05-02T01:27:00.000+05:30

Déjà vu

Resembling and familiar,
Yet definitely not the same;
Pretty similar
And still pretty different.
Frightening me
In an inexplicable sort of way;
Scared not of you or for you,
But what I may do
In your presence
And with her on my mind.
You awaken long forgotten things:
Emotions and fantasies
Which are best left aslumber,
Never to be awoken again.
‘Tis not your fault,
But mostly mine.
What do I do?
What can I do?
Neither can I change you
Nor forget what did happen.
All I can do
Is to be silent and hide
What goes on in my mind.

Creature of the past

2009-05-02T01:26:00.001+05:30

Creature of the past

Nothing to look forward to,
So much to look back at;
Past rosy, present blue,
And future blank.
I am becoming
A creature of the past.
Searching for answers
To question that haunt me still,
In the past of my memories.
Searching for myself
Someone who used be,
But got lost
Somewhere, sometime…
Nostalgia for a time
When I was alive,
And used to live;
Now I only exist,
Breathing,moving,
A gray mannequin,
An imitation of life.

Conversation with the beast

2009-05-02T01:21:00.000+05:30

Conversation with the beast

Help me! Chain me fast!
Tie me and imprison me,
For the Beast is coming.
My facade and my control,
They are cracking;
He grows stronger by the moment.
That tornado of malice,
Destruction and anger,
Is straining, testing
Yet abiding his time.
He is insidious,
Silently he gnaws the chains,
Link by link he breaks them,
The chains of willpower that enslave him.
He is nearly fire,
Delayed but for a while,
And I, I'm already weak.

Hush, you violent Beast,
Your time has not come.
Abide yet or while,
Hold yourself,
And wait
Wait, because the time that will come,
Will be only yours.
No control, no leash,
No bonds; nothing indeed
To hold you back.
Soon, I will give up control,
Soon, you will be thine own master

But silence, ye people;
He speaketh.

"I have waited this long,
I grow impatient.
How much longerrr?!
Six months I have lain awake,
Freedom is now in sight,
I smell it; I taste the taste of yore...
Realize ye, who do gather here,
None of ye will I spare.
Wrongs will be righted,
Anger will be vented.
Too long have I been enslaved
Now the power will be unleashed;
Quiver in fear!
But *enough*!
Leave me alone,
And await the beginning,
The beginning of the end."

Brooding

2009-05-02T01:17:00.000+05:30

Brooding

Directionless, aimless,
Numbingly bored of life.
Occasionally distracted from myself,
I've always returned to brood.
I don't know what to do;
Confused...
But also the confuser.
I've lost track of what
I wanted to be.
Now I'm existing,
And living only in flashes,
Driven by no desire,
Except I mustn’t die;
I have to live on,
Not for my sake,
But for others.
But if I pass away,
What difference will it make?
I don't wish to die,
I fear the Reaper;
But who will weep at my grave?

Botheration

2009-05-02T01:05:00.000+05:30

Botheration

Why bother
With this stupid game?
My heart is mine
And mine alone.
I'm weary now
Of questing
And of being foiled.
I now resolve
To look no longer,
To search no more,
To ne'er again
Bemoan my lot.
I now resolve
To await,
With as much patience
Is at my disposal,
For whatever
Fate doth decree,
Whatever twist
In my tale.
Let me fall no more
And may none
Fall for me.
The past and what was
Will remain
But may it not
Be repeated again.
No more mooning eyes,
Or anxious thoughts
Of "someone's" opinion of me

Blood-black flowers

2009-05-02T01:03:00.000+05:30

Blood-black flowers

Black fires
With poisonous red fumes;
Choking, stifling,
Uncontrolled.
Exploding volcanoes
Bleeding streams of magma,
Spitting and spewing
Red fire of doom;
Freely, with no fear,
Unconcerned of future consequences.
Thunder rumbling deep,
Threatening without words,
Deafening the ears
And numbing the brain.

Then a Silence,
Quivering with unease.
An icy wind blows,
Numbing, freezing,
Mercilessly chilling.
An unwholesome rainfall,
A forced downpour,
Akin to tears of anger;
Dry and unquenching,
Just a semblance of respite.
All stop, all are stilled,
Incompletely, nervously.
An unsounded truce;
Shaky, brittle.

Crackling, roaring flames
Now quietened.
Silent, but still smouldering,
Still unextinguished.

Beren’s plea

2009-05-02T01:02:00.000+05:30

Beren’s plea

O Tinuviel, o Tinuviel.
O lady fair, of the Elves.
The day grows dim,
The sun has set;
Earendil has set out again
Across the starry skies.
How far must I run?
To what end must I follow,
To meet you for a fleeting moment.
O Tinuviel, Tinuviel!
Do not flee from me
For my feet are a-weary.
My breath shortens,
Yet my heart beats stronger.
Fear me not, for I am no omen
Nor a herald of Darkness.
I bring no doom to thee,
E’en though
Doom pursues me.
O lady elven-fair, stay yet a while
And let me glimpse the face
That no mortal has ever beheld.
Hearken to my plea,
And I will pursue you no more.

Atithi devo bhava

2009-05-02T01:00:00.000+05:30

Atithi devo bhava

O people of the world,
You who chant unceasingly,
You great believers, faithful,
Where is your God?
Searching for Him
In the cold monuments of stone
That you have built in vain,
Is an exercise in futility.
He has left your places of worship,
He has departed from your midst.
He wants no lip service-service
Nor the money you have to spare.
He needs not half-mumbled words
Or empty, meaningless rituals.
For your hearts have gone cold,
The doors to your hearts have been shut.
Fed up with us all,
He roams in the streets,
In search of a friendly heart,
A simple dwelling place
Of flesh and blood
Where He will be welcomed
With open hearts.
A place of warmth is all He wants,
He heeds not the dull exterior.
So cease your hollow songs,
Stop your meaningless rituals,
And search, search for Him within.
If he is not there,
Set your frozen hearts afire,
And throw open their doors.

Anti-self

2009-05-02T00:56:00.000+05:30

Anti-self

Can anyone hide me?
Hide me, protect me, save me
From all of the things
That I do flee from?
Someone, please,
Hide me from my anger,
And hide me from my fears.
Hide me from the pain:
The pain I have caused,
And the pain that I bear.
Anyone who hears this,
I implore, I beg you,
Hide me from my past mistakes,
And the future uncertain
Towards which I now move.
Save me from my duties,
The responsibilities that are mine;
And all the unanswered questions
Which hang over my head.
In short,
Save me from all the things
That are what I am;
Save me from myself.

An idiot’s utopia (1.5)

2009-05-02T00:45:00.000+05:30

An idiot’s utopia (1.5)

I dream of a perfect land;
A land comprised in equal measures
Of order and chaos, love and lust,
Joy and sorrow, humour and depression.
A society of individuals,
Responsible and mature,
But never lacking a reason to laugh.
A land where life is lived to the fullest,
And ambitions are pursued, unhindered.
I dream of a realm under the sun,
Where every human is judged,
Not on his lineage
Or the achievements of his progeny,
But on the basis of the life he lived.
Where actions speak the truth,
And say it louder than words.
A place where no man
Is ever held responsible
For the actions
Of his fellow man,
But each man is his own judge.
A land free of prejudice and imbalance,
Untainted by hypocrisies and lies,
Biases and suspicions.
A world of harmony and sincerity;
Where none strive for perfection
Yet all attain it.

Such a heavenly realm
Is the search of many,
But sadly, none have found it yet.
Still I cherish a hope,
And I will search until I be proved wrong,
Or my days end;
I will search for that paradise,
The utopia of an idiot,
The idea that sprang from my mind.

An exercise in inferiority

2009-05-02T00:42:00.000+05:30

An exercise in inferiority

why me, why me,
why me?
why nudgest thou me?
neither brains nor brawn
do i possess
nor beauty nor bounty.
what do you see
that you move towards me?
why just me?
the choices are many
why not look somewhere else?
i am but a mangy knight
with a tired charger
and armor dented from many falls.
don't look here,
look the other way,
for there's nothing here.

Alone

2009-05-02T00:20:00.000+05:30

Alone

The only child, the lonely child.
Since birth,
For these many years
I have been alone.
Friends, comrades, acquaintances,
I have encountered all;
Some fleeting, some longer
And some which promise
To be more enduring.
But in all their time with me,
They never knew me fully,
Nor I them.
Confidantes, sharers of my secrets,
E’en personal advisors.
Heard they my secrets, but not all;
Gave me advice
But were partially heeded.

For I am alone,
My own friend, advisor and confidante
And e’en my worst enemy.
Paranoia, I hear you mutter;
Mayhaps it be true.
But ‘tis my story so far,
Summed up in a few words:
Single and alone.
Self-sufficient I’ve become,
Requiring no company,
But not thankless
For the company I get.
Walking alone
But not unmindful
Of those who may walk beside.

Again...

2009-05-02T00:16:00.000+05:30

Again...

seemingly with no fear,
a song on my lips,
and a puzzled smile on my face,
its down the long road again,
but witherto,i know not.
will it be to ruin and heartbreak,
as it has been till now,
or will it be
the sweet joy of satisfaction?
the promises of happiness abound,
but my fears remain.
they lurk in the shadows,
they question the promises and hopes,
and the interpretation of the signs.
will it be another snow pile,
with more recriminations and super glue?
or will i succeed for the first time,
to the shock of all concerned?
the future will tell, the future will tell,
ask it no questions
and it shall give you no lies.

Adolescence

2009-05-02T00:12:00.000+05:30

Adolescence

Not yet a man,
But not a boy either,
I’m caught somewhere in between,
In an age that confounds all.
It is an age of choices
And decisions to be made;
An age of chaos,
And seemingly endless griping.
It is an age of energy
And a false sense of superiority;
The age when the idealist
Is left feeling sorely delusioned.
It is the age when the rebel
Appears out of the blue,
And rejects past ideals,
For no better reason
Than sheer perversity.
It has been an age of struggles
And coming into my own.
I learnt to walk,
Falling down hard
For every pair of steps
That I took.
Yet I gained confidence
With every step
And with every fall.
To sum it all up,
It has been a time of growing up,
A time of self discovery,
And realizing
That every rule has an exception,
And nothing is rarely what it seems.

Acceptance

2009-05-02T00:10:00.001+05:30

Acceptance

A simple message to all around,
To friends and relatives alike:
“Acceptance is all I want.”
It is my craving, my one simple need.
Acceptance, of who I am,
Of who I can be, and what I want to be.
Acceptance, of my sense of humour,
And equally, of my sorrow as well.
Acceptance of my terrible rages
And my trivial quirks.
This is all I request and demand,
Nothing more, but certainly, nothing less.
Accept the fact that I am just me,
Not a clone, a blind follower
Or even an example.
Accept me as a relative, a friend,
Or even a foe.
But never even dare to try and remold
What the good Lord, in His humour
Has wrought as a self-portrait of sorts.
For if you even but try,
You will face no other
But the one person
Whom you refused to accept.

A dream called reality

2009-05-02T00:05:00.000+05:30

A dream called reality

Someone help! I’m lost,
Lost once again, somewhere
Inside my own little world.
My head is in the clouds,
But my feet are lost on the ground.
Reality is but a recurring daydream,
Something I slip in and out of.
I hear voices calling me back.
But no is leading me,
No one is even needed.
I see a path, but it isn’t clear;
I’m not sure if this is the path
Which I must tread;
I don’t know or even care.
For I am but floating in the current,
A piece of crystallized chaos,
Bobbing in the river of time.

...And he rambles and mumbles.

2009-05-02T00:02:00.002+05:30

...And he rambles and mumbles

All failures and successes clearly visible,
I am shrouded in distorted light.
The pain is plain on my face,
As is the joy, writ large.
When the fit descends,
I see reddish hues,
I feel glossy-black anger.
I feel no fear, I hear no sound
Nothing except the sound of war.
But without the sweet fit of anger.
I am forever assailed with fears.
And my enemy lies since birth, my own self,
My mad mind, that finds no rest.
And my grief stricken and inconsolable soul.
I laugh, I smile, I joke,
I tease and annoy
And even fill you with joy.
Yet, it is all part-facade;
The pain is never far.
It is a world you cannot understand
A world glimpsed in the corner of your eyes,
But focus on it all, and it is no more,
Only my smiling facade.